How do I Balance a Job Offer with Potential Offers?

It's fun to have companies fighting over you, but it's also dangerous. Here are some tips for navigating the job offers.

Working with Idiots Can Kill You!

I always suspected this to be true. Of course, there is no Lindbergh University, nor did anyone do this study, but I fully believe it. I mean, death from head injuries sustained after beating your head against the wall must be at least a leading cause of emergency room visits, if not death.

I know more than a few HR people who have been driven to insanity (or at least accounting) by some of the people we've dealt with.

And, I blatantly lifted this from Dr. Grumpy

(Yes, people, this is just a joke. See the Snopes article.

It's a Job Interview, Not a Beauty Pageant

In a beauty pageant, the judges look over a slate of contestants, ask them a few questions, perhaps have the contestants perform a talent of some sort, and then all the contestants parade around the stage in fancy dresses or bathing suits. At the end of all this, the judges proclaim a winner. She cries because it’s so wonderful and all the other contestants congratulate her and then slink back home, depressed because they didn’t get the crown.

Somewhere along the line, people started treating job interviews the same way. We see the hiring manager as a contest judge who is to be feared and impressed. Instead of thinking, “what would I really do in this situation” we think, “what does this judge want to hear?”

The difference is at the end of a beauty pageant, the winner gets a crown, some money and the the obligation to ride on the back of a convertible in the town 4th of July parade, while the “winner” of the job interview “pageant” gets to spend 40-50 hours a week with the “judge.”

For more of my thoughts on why It's a Job Interview, Not a Beauty Pageant, head over to BNET's Career Blog.

Your Least Favorite (or Favorite) Policy

I'm sure over our time in the working world, we've all run across some bizarre policies and practices. And some good ones as well. I love to hear about the craziness some companies foist onto their employees. So, I'm going to encourage you to tell me what you've run across.

As a little incentive, our friends at the New Yorker have offered 5 (yes 5) Desk Calendars. Granted, they are 2010 calendars, but we've still got 7 months left in 2010 and the cartoons never get outdated.

Evil Marketing Man has agreed to be the judge on the best/worst policies. He also said that if you prefer, you can write an HR related Haiku. Marketing, apparently, does strange things to your brain. I don't know what will be most likely to win, so take your best shot.

The contest ends June 1, 2010 at 8:00 a.m. Eastern Time. That gives you one week.

When Best Practices are Ignored

Your manager isn't following the handbook and guidelines set out by official company policy. What will happen if you complain?

I'm Going Crazy--What's the Secret of Job Hunting?

I’m trying to get a real full-time job after a 5-year string of part-time and temporary jobs since graduating from college. More accurately, I’ve been trying to get a real full-time job this whole time, but temporary and part-time jobs are all I can get. I can scarcely get an interview. The last of my money is gone, and I need a job RIGHT NOW. My question is, what does HR want to see on a resume? What do you want to hear in an interview? I am prepared to say and do ANYTHING if it means getting a job. But I need to know specifics. Which phrases am I supposed to use? Which phrases should I avoid?

Find out the secret of job hunting over at BNET.

An Offer to all Novartis Human Resources Employees

Dear Novartis HR Department,

You probably don't know me. If you did, you might have actually read about what an HR department is supposed to do. Because of your lack of knowledge and insight, I am making an offer: Any questions from a Novartis HR person will be answered the same day I receive it.

This means you will jump to the head of the line. Cut in front of the people in my queue. Why do I make this generous offer? Because any company that is so phenomenally stupid as to tell an employee that claims she has been raped by a customer that it was her fault because she didn't have a spare set of keys and, oh yes, she let her cell phone battery get low, needs all the help it can get.

I imagine the rest of my readers think I'm joking. Oh, how I wish I were.

They also brought disciplinary action against her.

Seriously, people. This is the worst HR screw up I've seen in a long time. Perhaps ever. And it's not the only screw up. A jury agrees with me and as a result, you'll be paying out $250,000,000.

Seriously. The next time you're faced with a difficult situation, drop me a line. I don't charge. I could have seen this coming a mile away.

Sincerely,

Evil HR Lady